My wife and I were spanked as kids – me more than her :( – and we seem to have turned out as relatively healthy adults. Of course, neither of us liked being spanked, and I never took well to it. Even as I near 40-years-old, I have vivid memories of being spanked, not understanding it, and hating every moment of it.

We have two children, and we chose early on to not spank them. The main reason is that we have 18 years to prepare them to become independent adults, and there's no place in our society where physically hurting another person to get your way is acceptable, let alone legal. If we're to do our job as parents, we're to find a way – as adults – to discipline and guide them towards more acceptable behavior without hitting them.

Now it appears there's another good reason to not inflict physical pain on your child. A new study has been released that suggests physical punishment is linked to mental disorders in adulthood. Researchers in the American Academy of Pediatrics reported:

Results: Harsh physical punishment was associated with increased odds of mood disorders, anxiety disorders, alcohol and drug abuse/dependence, and several personality disorders after adjusting for sociodemographic variables and family history of dysfunction (adjusted odds ratio: 1.36–2.46). Approximately 2% to 5% of Axis I disorders and 4% to 7% of Axis II disorders were attributable to harsh physical punishment.

Conclusions: Harsh physical punishment in the absence of child maltreatment is associated with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, substance abuse/dependence, and personality disorders in a general population sample. These findings inform the ongoing debate around the use of physical punishment and provide evidence that harsh physical punishment independent of child maltreatment is related to mental disorders.

The study defined harsh physical punishment as pushing, grabbing, shoving, slapping, and hitting. So an argument could be made that this doesn't affect children who are spanked. Especially, if the spanking is done in a controlled, quasi-loving manner. However, I would personally add spanking to the list if it's done out of anger, including quick pops or demeaning spanking.

Hitting another human being creates emotional distress (regardless of the severity) and inflicting pain on an adult in order to get your way is unacceptable in our society. So why in the world would it be okay to do (and thus teach) children it's okay to hurt them to get our way? If your answer includes tradition, "I turned out okay" or religion, then you probably haven't thought very deeply about this, and you probably should.

Update 1/12/2018

David Roberts wrote on Vox about how spanking doesn’t work, and it teaches all the wrong lessons. He writes:

There are two basic arguments. The first is drawn from social science, which shows that spanking does not work to produce better behavior or healthier kids. The second is a moral argument, about violence and what it does and doesn’t teach children.

Since I originally wrote this article in 2012, a lot of research has come out from studies about spanking. Some of the research cited in the article includes:

• Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses.
• Spanking for Misbehavior? It Causes More
• Spanking and adult mental health impairment: The case for the designation of spanking as an adverse childhood experience

One of the best parts of the article was something that's actionable for parents as an alternative to spanking:

1. Get Calm
2. Take Time for Yourself
3. Be Kind but Firm
4. Give Choices
5. Use Logical Consequences
6. Do Make Ups
7. Withdraw from Conflict
8. Use kind but firm action
9. Inform Children Ahead of Time

You can read more about what those actions mean on Kathryn Kvol's article, 9 Things to do Instead of Spanking.

If you're a parent with a child between the ages of one and three, then you're probably experiencing what many parents are experiencing — toddler tantrums and difficult child behavior. The American Academy of Pediatricians perfectly describes this phase in your child's life.

Strong emotions are hard for a young child to hold inside. When children feel frustrated, angry, or disappointed, they often express themselves by crying, screaming, or stomping up and down. As a parent, you may feel angry, helpless, or embarrassed. Temper tantrums are a normal part of your child's development as he learns self-control. In fact, almost all children have tantrums between the ages of 1 and 3. You've heard them called "the terrible twos."

As every parent knows, this behavior is very stressful and it can affect your relationship with your child and your spouse. Fortunately, there are solutions. Much of the difficulty we experience with our children is related to how we communicate with them. Oftentimes, we are frustrated with their non-compliance, and much of what we say in response to our children may make sense to us at the time but is totally ineffective.

Terrible Two Tips

Avoiding and Preventing "Terrible Two" Temper Tantrums

• Provide Limited Choices — Just like adults, children prefer having a choice. In the child's case, you may not be offering them great choices, but having a choice (any choice) can mean the difference between a complete meltdown versus an ornery child. A good example is when a child won't move. You can give them the choice to go on their own or to be carried.
• Regular Routines — Most children thrive from having routines in their life. When daily life becomes random and chaotic, children will often act out and throw tantrums. Routines help make children feel safe and under control. Not having routines in your child's life is like walking around with a behavioral time bomb.
• Lead by Example — You may not recognize it yet, but your children observe your behavior intensely. Sometimes they mimic you (without you even realizing it), while other times they test you. How you react and handle situations has a direct impact on how your own child will deal with stressful situations.
• Positive Reinforcement — What's the best way to train animals? Through positive reinforcement. Your kids might be human beings, but as you already know, they're also animals (in every sense of the word!). Children will respond to consistent, proper positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement can be as simple as a compliment for good behavior, or as big as a new toy for behaving well for a significant period of time. Over time, you won't have to always provide positive reinforcement, because the behavior will become a good habit.
• Encourage Some Independence — If you're trying to have complete control over your children, then you're doing it wrong. A parent's job is to prepare their child for adulthood and independence. Independence is also exactly what your child wants (separation anxiety excluded). Therefore, your parenting style should include a gradual push towards independence, and it all starts when your child is capable of making the simplest of choices. Allowing a two-year-old to do some things on their own — without your interference or correction — can go a long way towards avoiding tantrums and enabling them to feel independent.
• Healthy Eating — Having your child eat healthy food can be a difficult problem in itself, but you can take steps towards the foods they have access to. Food can have a direct impact on blood sugar levels, their emotional affect, and how they respond to stressful situations. Eating well can go a long way towards your child behaving more appropriately.

Dealing with "Terrible Two" Temper Tantrums

• Enforce Reasonable Consequences — If your child throws a temper tantrum, then there should be a reasonable consequence. For example, taking away a toy for a period of time, or physically removing them from the situation, are reasonable consequences for bad behavior. They will learn over time to better control their behavior if they have to consistently suffer the consequences.
• Don't Give In — Whether you like it or not, temper tantrums are grudge matches. They are also a test of your parenting resolve. The moment you give into a tantrum, the child knows they can get their way in the future by exhibiting that behavior.
• Stay in Control — It's incredibly easy to get sucked into the out-of-control behavior that's exhibited when your child is throwing a tantrum. Depending on the situation, you can feel any number of emotions, like embarrassment, anger, and frustration. The problem occurs when you start to take their behavior personally, because you exit the parenting role, and engage them with the same negative energy. The best way to approach your child's temper tantrum is to separate yourself from the behavior emotionally. Instead, look at them as the child they are. Try to understand what they might be feeling, and what led to their eruption. Then use that empathic knowledge to influence how you should deal with the situation. The key to staying in control is to not take their behavior personally.
• Remove from Public — One of the most embarrassing things a parent can experience is when their child throws a tantrum in public. If you've exhausted your options, like giving your child choices, then you should take your child to a private place. That may be your car, a room in a home, or even a dressing room (if you're in a mall). The key is to reduce stimulus, remove them from having an audience, and to calm them down. When they do calm down, discuss what happened, and talk about behavior alternatives.
• Be Consistent — Being consistent is probably the number one rule in parenting. When it comes to children throwing temper tantrums, be consistent with your reaction and the consequences you assign as a response to their bad behavior. Every situation is unique, but if your child knows that every time they throw a tantrum there will be a consequence, it will make them think twice before throwing a tantrum again.

When trying to prevent and deal with tantrums, it's important to remember that behavior doesn't change overnight. It usually takes many months before a child's behavior starts to dramatically improve. If you find that you're not seeing any changes in behavior, experiment and try different approaches to behavioral consequences. Just make sure you aren't changing your response and trying new things every time they have a tantrum. Be patient and be consistent.